


Realizations

by Actually_Ichimatsu



Category: Ao no Exorcist | Blue Exorcist
Genre: A few other characters make brief appearences but not really, Angst, Character Analysis, Hurt No Comfort, Introspection, Rating for F bomb, Realizations, Rin is a cinnamon roll and doesnt deserve this, ish, sorta - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-20
Updated: 2017-02-20
Packaged: 2018-09-25 17:39:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9835172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actually_Ichimatsu/pseuds/Actually_Ichimatsu
Summary: Rin is more perceptive than one might think, and he realizes many things on a dreary night after the hellish training camp.





	

**Author's Note:**

> AND IM BACK WITH MORE ANGST IM SO SORRY YALLL
> 
> Anyway Enjoy n stuff!!!
> 
> Idk if this is in character at all help :(((( aaaaa
> 
> (Set interim the Forest Training Camp Arc and Kyoto Impure King Arc)

Rin expected everything to go wrong, but he didn't expect it to go this wrong.

After his father's- no, not Satan's, you fucking idiot, his REAL father, the old fart- death, he realized a lot. Biggest thing being, of course, he was literally a demon's kid. No, THE demon's kid, Satan himself.

Every fight, everything clicked into place, even if he didn't want to admit it at the time. His fucking stubborness would be the death of him one day.

(has already caused death, anyway.)

After his old man died, he came to realize he didn't deserve the kindness, the miniscule kindness, he had gotten from him. He didn't deserve kindness, at all.

But when he met the class, he felt so... he didn't know the word. These people were his first friends, and even if they didnt know his true nature, they were so kind and had very, very valid reasons for wanting to be exorcists.

Another thing he learned was that, if he didn't hate Satan before (and oh, oh how he did- he wanted to scream in anger he even heard it beginning to be said-) he surely hated him now. With every fiber of his being. He had hurt so many peoples lives, and someone like that- someone so cruel- shouldn't live at all.

(He decides he is a hypocrite and that he shouldn't live either.)

As he got closer and closer to these people, he realized something else.

Even though he didn't deserve any of them, even with his terrible sins on his back, he never wanted them to leave. They were all so kind, and supportive, and always there- nothing was impossible if they were by his side. He cared for them so much, and he swore by his father's grave he would protect them no matter what.

As he was getting closer to his classmates, though, he found him drifting from the one constant thing that helped keep him grounded in his childhood.

Yukio. Rin's little brother was like a grown up now, even at the mere age of 15. He felt like Yukio was the older brother out of the two.

(Then again, it wasn't hard to feel like that, with the constant scolding and the fact he was hardly at the dorm when he was.)

Yukio's distance worried him to a certain point, but not enough to bother him about. Rin felt he should maybe try to be a good big brother in at least one situation.

(Rin didn't like that a bit of his heart felt like it was being torn away from him.)

But then, the cursed training camp came.

Rin realized how stupid and impulsive he really was. He could've planned things so much better. Maybe if he was as good at being analytical as Yukio, things wouldn't have gone the way they did. Maybe his beloved friends wouldn't know his dumb heritage.

Maybe his first friends wouldn't all hate him or be scared of him, even if all he did was try to protect them.

(Rin hated that his heart felt entirely ripped from his chest.)

Rin realized how fragile his state was. Being barely able to be held back by a sword, one that could break at any time, and he wouldn't have anymore control of his powers, and he couldnt be Rin Okumura anymore, he'd be a... demon, a cruel, and vicious demon.

(Rin didn't think he could live with that.)

Rin quickly realized just how suffocating the atmosphere grew to be around him. Like... tar was filling his lungs, and he couldn't move. He saw everyone drifting away from him, together. He was on a wooden log in the middle of the ocean, with no land in sight, and the others, in a lifeboat, simply rowed away from him. When he did nothing but show them kindness, they kicked him away just because of his heritage. It hurt.

They left him alone, and drowning in his own thoughts and in solitude. He wanted to cry.

(He did cry. Alone, in his dorm room. Yukio wouldn't be back until late, anyway.)

Nonetheless, Rin remained persistent. He chased after his friends.

He doggedly worked to control his flames, to somehow be on his classmates good side again. To somehow get back on that lifeboat.

(Why? He knew this was to happen. He doesn't deserve their kindness. He deserves to just simply perish.)

(...because he wanted them to be happy, even if they hated him.)

He didn't know why, however, he sat on the top of the building, tears streaming down his face, and why he could bearly breath.

Not even Kuro stayed out there with him. He was drenched in loneliness, as he once was. And for some reason, it made him scared.

He hated it, he really did.

The last thing he realized, was that no one could tell how much he was hurting. He was alone, and no one could help him.

There wasn't a person in this world that could understand what was going on. He was terrified.

He held up a thick mask made of stone, placed carefully everywhere in his demeanor, after years of trying his best to cover up his hurt from those mean people who called him a demon- who turned out to be right.

And on that dreary night, cold and rainy, he could never feel more alone in the world.

"I just want to be normal. I want to be okay, and not have this burden. Its not my fault I was born as Satans son." He mumbles on the rooftop, tears falling with the rain, making it nearly impossible to tell which was which.

(Rin didn't get sick. He never did. He was usually in top notch health, probably because of the demonic thing. He hated it.)

(And the next morning, he was off to Kyoto with Shura and Yukio, with that carefully placed mask never breaking.)


End file.
